Now is the time for a little levity. Have you heard of the Woodville Whipper? Do you even know where Woodville is? You'd better be alert when you reach the city limits--slow down for God's sake!
THE WOODVILLE WHIPPER
If you travel to Woodville, an obscure little place,
And run afoul of the law, you might see my face;
Who am I, you may ask? My name's Freddie Lipper,
And I'm the official Woodville Town Whipper.
In the village of Woodville, there's no bars and no locks,
Cause we've got the frame and the post and the stocks;
In the village of Woodville, we don't need a jail,
The punishment's given right on your bare tail.
To the problem of crime we have a solution,
A spanking---we think that it's fine retribution;
For speeding and drinking and spittin' and swearing,
For all manner of sins it's your bottom we're baring.
You'll go into the stocks--those boards hold you fast,
Your skirt will come up, panties down at half mast,
Then I'll do my job, oh you'll feel the heat,
Applied most judiciously to your bare seat.
You'll see what I mean, that we mean what we say,
When I tell of a lass who wandered our way;
Now maybe she was wasn't aware of our laws,
But your hiney may pay, 'though your knowledge has flaws.
Now one morning in May when the buds were a'poppin,
This gal breezes through town without even stoppin';
She was speeding for sure, now that's very hurtful,
The proof of her crime, it was incontrovert'ble.
To Judge Tanner she went to determine her fate,
She said, "But your honor I was running so late;
The judge said, "Now, miss, that's no good excuse,
Ten licks you will get on your bare white caboose."
And she wailed, "But please judge, it should just be a fine;
All other towns do this, that should be the line;"
The judge said, "Well, miss, you may think we're brain addled,
But mark me young lady, you're going to be paddled."
And then did he turn and he spoke to yours truly,
"Take little miss here, and go do your duty;
Take up a paddle, you best make it wooden,
Bare her behind and then give her a good 'un."
Now this gal was a knockout with fine golden hair,
A princess for sure, a creature so rare,
Long legs and firm breasts, she sure was a beauty,
But the job fell to me, to paddle her booty.
So to the town stocks, it was there we did go;
She put up a fight, good grief, what a row!
I got her locked in, all tight, snug and neat,
So next I commenced to baring her seat.
I lifted her skirt and pinned it quite high,
To reveal two fine cheeks clad in not much, oh my!
Her bottom was full and luscious and round,
And I knew right away it would wobble and bound,
When I commenced with the spanking, so firm and so sound.
So I took up my paddle, I got in my stance,
"Any last words, young lady? Now this is your chance;"
Hearing no words at all, I asked was she ready?
And finally she wailed, "Please don't paddle me, Freddy."
But now was the time for applying the sentence,
The hour was nigh to instill some repentance;
With paddle in hand I drew my arm back,
And delivered the blow with an earsplitting crack!
Her fanny, it wobbled, it must have been hot,
As I applied whack! after crack! after swat!
To those luscious rounds of this lady's fine bottom,
As I said, it's my job--- they pay me to swat 'em;
She shrieked and she howled with anguish and dread,
But I smacked her fair fanny until it was red;
But that's what I do, and I think that it's fittin',
My job is to make sure they have trouble sittin'.
So do your sales jobs, be a grocer, a logger
Me, I'm content to be the town flogger;
Some say the job's crude, some say that it's thankless,
But one thing's for certain--- it sure isn't spankless.
Yes, I've paddled bottoms, some fine and some fair,
I'm a right connoisseur of m'lady's derriere;
And if yours gets in trouble, I'll get around to it,
A tiring job, sure, but someone's got to do it.
So if you come to Woodville, now don't come careenin',
Your be-hind might pay, if you follow my meanin';
You'll meet up with me, my name's Freddy Lipper,
'Cause I am the official Woodville Town Whipper.